"Breathe, and read your Bible."

One of the many things I love about my job is that the people I work with (99.9% of whom, I only see 3-5 times a year), are simultaneously both the most spiritually encouraging and yet normal people I have ever met. Well, maybe not all that normal. But still, I appreciate that I can be honest with my co-workers about my struggles with ministry, with life, with being me. I love that I laugh a lot with them, that I can enjoy them, the way God has made them, and frankly, that we don't have to always talk about 'spiritual' things. But when we do, it is good and challenging and always thought provoking. My only regret is that I don't get to see them more often.

I was with the majority of my co-workers in December for staff training. The schedule for the week included a devotional first thing in the morning on a couple of the mornings that week. We dutifully showed up for said devotional the first time around, only to discover there was a mistake, and there was no devotional being given. I figured that the second devotional was the correct schedule. When the second devotional came around, I became a little wary when I saw that no one else was waiting, they were eating breakfast, laughing, joking. Sure enough, I learned from one of our area coordinators that there was no devotional scheduled that morning.

Now, I'm not sure if the next words out of my mouth revealed my need for encouragement, my legalistic heart, or my need for schedules to tell me the truth (I'm a strong J on the MBTI), but I said, very loudly, "But I want a devotional! Couldn't you give us a five-minute devotional?" As if he carries five-minute devotionals around in his back pocket. But what happened next was truly wonderful. He thought I had said "five word" and walked over to me, looked me in the eye, and said, "Breathe, and read your bible." Hmm... not exactly what I was looking for at the time. But...

I've been pondering Stone's words for two months now. See, I really do love that the people I work with can (generally) have real conversations. That's kind of what we do for a living... and I'm still learning how to have good conversations. But I think it's the human condition that we are tempted to get lost in the conversation and not be rooted in Scripture, not rooted in biblical wisdom and truth. And at the same time, because I'm a crazy-neurotic-planning-kind of girl, I tend to over think things. I want to know what is going to happen next, what I should be doing next. I like to do things, and I especially like to feel like I'm doing something "good" for God. So, I needed those words. I needed to be reminded that I didn't have anything to earn from God... and that I should find refreshment in the Scriptures.

See, here's what has struck me of late: for the longest time, I felt the need to accomplish something like reading the bible in a year. That's Genesis 1 to Revelation 22 read between January 1 and December 31. Or maybe to read it twice in a year... even four times! I felt a lot of pressure as a child to "know" a lot about God and the Bible. And I often felt an internal compulsion to read the Bible. Before I felt this need to "accomplish" I remember reading the Bible often... and that I wanted to understand Scripture. Okay, "often" may be relative for a ten year old... but, I felt some sort of a pull towards Scripture. And just to be clear, there was nothing really wonderful about my understanding or my method. It's funny, even growing up in a Reformed Presbyterian home, I still managed to pick up the idea that you can just pick a verse out of Scripture... and it means whatever you want it to mean. But I won't go down that rabbit hole of an issue right now.

Stone's words have stuck in my heart because it combined two things I so desperately needed to hear: Breathe! I don't have anything to earn! Not the number of chapters from the bible I have read today, not the number of spiritual words I have spoken, not the number of people I have fixed or saved (not that I really believe that I can). No, I don't have anything to earn. This is something I struggle with constantly. I want to earn, I want to do, I want for this to all be about me. I can't tell you how many times during the course of a day that I have to remind myself that this really isn't about me. And here it is... this really isn't about me, it's about ALL that Jesus has done! For his glory, for his namesake. And for me... can I revel in the beautiful, joyous, grand, glorious gift that God has given to me in Jesus Christ?

But... but, there is more. Go to the Word! If you want to find life, if you want to find the sweetness of what it is Jesus Christ has done for you! Do I really want to revel in that glory? The burden of accomplishing a goal is lifted, of checking off assigned readings on a list. Instead of feeling the need to read Genesis 1 to Revelation 22 in 365 days, I want to read Genesis 1 to Revelation 22 because it is the story of how God is redeeming his people, of how is redeeming you and me! Maybe I'll sit in a book for several weeks, even in a chapter or a verse, as I chew on the meat of what God is teaching me in his Word. Maybe I will speed my way through the story of Scripture because I'm enthralled with what he has done!

That phrase has been freeing to my heart, had opened Scripture to me once again. I'm writing this down because I know that at some point I will forget. I will start trying to earn again. I will forget to listen to the words of wisdom given to me, and I want to remember these words: "Breathe, and read your bible."