The Beetle

I went to a local park this afternoon, mostly to enjoy the quiet (which, by the way, is hard to do with a four-day motorcycle rally in town). I decided to take a blanket and sit under a tree, enjoying a sunshiny day, read a little, journal a little. At least, that was the plan.

As I was sitting, I realized there were green beetles in the grass, and they were seemingly attracted to my burgundy blanket. I would try to move them off the blanket, off of my bag (also a red color), and off me (that was the worst). I'm not a huge fan of bugs, and though I have started making a tally of all the flies I kill, I generally try to avoid killing insects, even spiders, when they are in their preferred environment (read: when they are not in my house). But these beetles kept coming back. Over and over I would move them off, and finally I caved. I flicked that beetle about five feet off the blanket. I figured it would get disoriented and wouldn't come back.

Wrong. And now there were more beetles. All coming towards me. I tried to see if I was sitting on some sort of nest (where do beetles live?). Nothing. So I went to town, flicking them all away.

One of the beetles landed on it's back in a patch of dirt. I could not help but to watch it lay there, wondering if it would get back up, or if I had killed the poor thing; it occurred to me that this is how we sometimes treat people. I felt guilty for not enjoying the beetle, watching it move, marveling at the way God has created such a small but powerful creature. Instead, it got in my way, disrupted my plans, and made me more and more mad as it kept coming back.

I had flicked that beetle far away, but then had to watch to make sure that I had not damaged it, just as sometimes I push people away with harsh and angry words only to then pay even more attention to them to make sure I haven't damaged the relationship. Not because I care about that person and the state of our relationship, but because I don't want to be guilty of hurting someone. I don't want you to have a reason to not like me, and I just don't want to have to put any work into caring for you when you have invaded my time and space.

That's the honest truth: I care more about myself than about you. I don't care that I have hurt you, just that I have put you in your place. I don't care that I may have damaged you, so long as I have my space and my own way. I don't care that I just put the final dent into your soul that has pushed you over the edge, leaving you on your back with your legs wildly waving in the air as you struggle to make sense of what has just happened. I don't care about you, I want to have relationships on my own terms.

Okay, maybe it's not always that bad. But who hasn't experienced that brusque attitude in a person they thought was their friend... or at least, friendly? And who hasn't thought that it would be better to just stop caring, to never go back to that person, or any person, protecting our hearts and souls from further damage? For all the ways I've been hurtful, I'm sorry. But maybe the lesson to be learned from those beetles is not just the hardness of my own heart, but also the tenderness that needs to replace my uncaring attitude. For all that I did to get them to go away, they just kept coming back. As with so many other lessons to be learned, it is not merely 'Stop doing this' as much as it is 'Start doing that'!

Praying that the Lord softens and changes my heart today.