Random Thoughts

These are some random thoughts. Enjoy the mundaneness of my life... or don't.

I watched an old John Wayne movie tonight - North to Alaska - and it sparked several thoughts. First, I wondered if the character of Jayne from Firefly got his name by smashing together John Wayne's name? If not, that should be the story anyway... especially since Wayne's birth name was actually Marion. They could probably sympathize with each other. I also was struck by the blatant sexuality of a film made in 1960. The older I get, the more I see in the old films that makes me question whether the "good old days" were as fantastic as people make them out to be. Of course, what is seen and what is talked about and what is in fact only implied are different things. It means I can actually watch a silly little movie without being confronted with aggressive and explicit sexual content. But, it's just another reminder that we shouldn't delude ourselves into thinking that our sins are somehow different or new and therefore newly heinous, or that their sins were less crass and evil. Sin is sin, friends. My third thought was that I wanted to write a novel about the life of a woman in the old West, and what it meant to maintain a sense of self, of dignity, of peace, but how she would have endured hardship, harassment, illness, despair. Yet the desire to love, to serve, to prosper the work of her husband's hands would keep her moving forward. Unfortunately, I know very little about the old West. So, there would need to be a lot of work and research done. Someday.

My pillows are flat and my neck hurts because of it. But I don't want to buy new pillows.

I appreciate the kind rebuke of a neighbor. I took my roommate's dog out for a walk tonight, and like someone who does not actually own a dog or has only lived with one for five months, I forgot to take a bag with me. And when the thing that comes naturally to dogs happened, I was unprepared. And at the same moment, a resident of the building we were standing in front of comes from his apartment and asks me to make sure I clean up after the puppy because there are children who play in that yard. And two things happened: My heart was angry for being caught in a moment that I couldn't do anything about, but being rebuked nonetheless. Pride stepped in and started to defend myself to this man, even if it was in my own head. But I also was reminded of the proverb: A gentle word turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. This man was kind, and merely wanted to provide a clean play place for his children and their friends. He even provided me with a bag when I asked. The reaction of my heart to justify myself was quieted by his gentleness. I want to appreciate this, because I know a lot of people who would have merely barked the request and left me standing there. I want to appreciate that grace is a gentle rebuke - that even when it feels as though the Lord has broken me into a million shards, really, he's made a clean, surgical cut that is meant to heal me and not to harm me.

Being in the sun makes me very tired. I always forget that the struggle of the summer months is to maintain energy. The heat of the outside takes so much from me, and the artificial coolness of air conditioning kills what is left.

I like the color green a lot. If I weren't careful, most of my clothes could turn out to be green... because I am always attracted to it when I walk into stores, and then I spend five minutes convincing myself that I didn't come in to buy anything, that I already have enough green clothes. I should probably stop walking into stores, but I was killing time this morning.

Patience is something that I don't like. I like to know, I like to be in control, and I like to have assurances. There is a lot behind those words, but suffice it to say, it's taken a lot out of me to wait on the Lord during some trying times. Again, grace is a surgical cut meant to heal, even when I feel it is eating away at me. There is grace in valley. But I can't wait to see grace on the mountainside again.