I should be working on a paper - a group paper for my Communicating the Gospel class - but I really am feeling more and more unwilling to spend some time on it, so I'm hoping that if I take a few minutes to clear my head, that will help me to focus on the paper later.
I'm here... this is one of those moments when - and you may have heard me say it before - if you ask me how I am, I respond, "I'm here" because it's really just about as good as I can be. Classes are going well. Some projects are ending while others are beginning. You can pray for me as I have to begin to discern a passage of the Pentateuch for a hermeneutical process paper for Covenant Theology, and also a part of my testimony to give in a few weeks for Communicating the Gospel. These are frightening to me because they acctually involve the Word of God, His revelation, and I will be handling it and making truth statements from them. Just a little nerve wracking. =)
But it feels different right now; I keep having a few flashbacks to last fall, just various and odd memories, and I've decided I really miss MBU - not the school work, but the job. I went to visit yesterday and spent two hours visiting with Pastor Fred (yeah - they are having twins in May!) and Dr. C and Krista and Jodie and Ernie and I realised how greatly I missed their fellowship, and how lonely I am here comparatively. Now, I'm not alone or isolated but I just don't have the same depth of relationships here yet as I did there, and what I had there took a while to build. So it's just hard to know what to do, except for pray that God will bless me with understanding people to be my friends.
Lonely is just one of those valleys or deserts where you see yourself in a more naked light - I see more of my flaws when I am alone. I need, at times, reminders that I am not merely a solitary person but one who lives in community. But to live in community, you need community. And I've been struggling with people, and change of those around me, and all the in's and out's of life.
Acctually, this paper we're working on is about spiritual communication in the digital age, and we've been discussing how a lot of internet/digital means of communication really do take away from personal, tangible relationships. And I feel as if that is what I am suffering from. It is much easier to read my friends blog page or email them rather than to call them up and talk or try to get together. Getting together is a ridiculous waste of time in many ways, since it can literally eat up an afternoon, but it is the only way I survive. I need it, I need to make time to spend with you and to know you better and to love you and be loved by you. To live in community.
I'm in a dark mood at the moment, but on the whole I'm feeling pretty up, except for that whole World Series thing. We won't go there. I'm enjoying classes and work (baby Matthew is a lot of fun! As are the books!) and the people will come slowly. This is just another tool in God's tool box to change and mold me, so I'm finding myself more and more open to spending this time to be reshaped by Him.
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